Baby Goats & Monsters

While our neighbors are on vacation, we're taking care of their animals. I definitely need to get a better picture than this--at least one without a rear view! But after feeding the babies, they tend to follow me around too closely for a better shot. This is the best I could do at this time.Speaking of the best I could do at this time, I recently had a very bad spell where the monster in me came out. My monster has many names: Confusion, Anger, Hurt, Misunderstanding, Fear, Righteous Indignation. I hate this monster even though my son tells me to love it. I've heard that however good you are, you are equally as bad and this monster proved that recently.

In general, I try to be a very good, kind, and loving person and since I've been in AA I believe that part of me has improved. But there's no question that when put to an extreme test, the worst of me can, and will, come out.

I have a tendency to fear that the monster is the real me. But now I have an opportunity to feed these baby goats while their owners are on vacation. Two of the babies are normal except that their mother died and they have to be fed with a bottle. However, one is not "normal". It's gait is stilted, he has a large sharp bump in his chest, and he may be blind. This baby also has to be bottle fed and he has to be coaxed because the sucking mechanism isn't that well developed. His little jaws have to be forced open and he has to be encouraged.

Of course, my first instinct is to be perfect and make sure this baby stays alive while his owners are gone. My next instinct is to care for him as he struggles with living. I've learned that picking him up and placing him on a table unreachable by his "cousins" gives us both a sense of peace and allows us to concentrate on "business"--the business of his feeding.

But lately, something more has happened. The little fellow--although he may still run from me--seems to be a bit more understanding. He leans into me while nursing and seems to know I'll be patient with him while he takes a breath. His "cousins" while at first just pesty, now often rest on my feet!

Of course I'm reading more into this than I should, but these actions are very comforting to me. As though these creatures know something about me that I forget about myself when my monster comes out. Maybe they don't see the monster. Maybe they only see that I'm doing my best to care for them? Maybe they're only seeing the gentle side of my heart?

I wish I could put my monster away for good and only be so pure of heart that only the gentle side of me comes out--ever. I envy people who are so calm and accepting of life as it's handed to them. But I still struggle with my monster from time to time and that's a fact.

Perhaps I've just had one more opportunity to learn. I hope I've learned my lesson well.

Peace!

Carol