Houston

Well, here we are in Houston. Weather about the same here as it is at home--cloudy, misty. One thing about living in the south is that we don't get as much daylight! Never thought about that living in Illinois. And I do miss the sun getting up earlier although I know this time of year the days are getting shorter.

This assembly has been booorrring!!!! The best things about it are the new hotel--very nice although they don't have a wireless internet set-up!--and the host district which happens to be Spanish so they are keeping us supplied with home made tomales which are quite tastey. But there are no veggie dishes or anything else interesting. The lunch buffet was $11.95 yesterday--a bit pricey I thought but tastey. Guess no one told the cook that we were a bunch of alkies as there was wine in one of the dishes--no wonder if tasted to good!

Also here with several other groups including a Marine group (Semer Fi!) celebrating a 50th anniversary for service in the Korean War. Very friendly group who, when knowing our son is a Marine, tell us to tell him thank you for his service! They were also very impressed when our noon meeting closed with the Lord's Prayer.

Miss home! Hope we're outa here by Noon--we could be home by 2. Always liked traveling before-loved the adventure! Now in my old age, I understand why people don't like leaving their dens!

Guess because for the first time in my life I feel like I really have a home. My father always made it abundantly clear that I only had a roof over my head because of him and that I should be beholden to him for that.

Later, as newlyweds, we moved nearly every year for the first 5 yrs. and that just seemed like an adventure to me--loved new faces, new opportunities, new life! Never put down roots.

Even our first house never made me want to "nest". I wanted to provide for my husband and children--the place was for them and I never had a place for me. Dad had his garage--there was no place for me to be me. Just places for me to do laundry and fix meals for my family.

The house in Echo Lake was ok. I did have space but never really took advantage of it. Loved the lot--the wildlife--looking out on the ever changing slough -- that was the best part. One really could meditate there.

But as the years wore on, I began to see it as a trap. A place where my only value was in what I could do for my family. Any time spent away from the house was an escape because there was only more work for me to do at home. I tried to be supermom--fixing brownies for lunches before sending everyone off for the day--and then getting myself ready for work--the only true freedom I ever felt where I didn't have to be the mom or the wife--there I could be Carol and valued for my brains--at least somewhat. If someone wanted something from me at least I got paid for it! At home, there were few rewards for me and when I tried to express myself in volunteer work or creative outlets, it was generally tolerated at best or put down at worst with the thought that I didn't have any other value other than to put meals on the table or clean the house or make sure the laundry was done. Oh--and make sure there was always money available for whatever else was needed.

Here, in the home in College Station, I finally have a spot! A beautiful kitchen to work in to prepare dishes when I feel like it rather than on demand; a beautiful scene outside my craft room to watch our lawn ornaments run around the pasture!--and a multipurpose haven that is mine alone to do whatever I feel like doing--computering, beading, sewing, crafting in any way. That is my haven.

I clean house when I feel like it and it's a nice house to clean being on all one level. I have freedoms such as I've never known before and discretionary time to spend on myself without having to justify it to anyone. And my animals -- intelligent Jake who gets our paper in the AM and loves to go for walks and I know he would defend me with his life! Rambunctious Chloe-still learning to be a good dog and who seems to be trying to put in the effort these days but who is always full of puppy kisses!

Sweet Sam! He knows my moods and loves me anyway! Feeling his large body next to mine in bed at night as he puts a paw on my arm or nose! Silly Lillah Jean who often views her world from atop the kitchen cabinets. And Sabu--such a pretty face--confined to the northern part of the house by threatening Sam--Sabu stays sweet and offers his belly for scratching to show his trust in us.

Outside critters: Charlie and Clara-we've decided they're married now! Always together softly clucking as they hunt for tastey morsels while patroling the garden.

Sugar--as sweet as her name! Willing to let us paw her all over just for treats! Eubee--grown up--still have to do something about that!-acting the goof while he begs for treats! Sky and Duke--still wary of being touched but willing to risk it for a mouthfull of sweet feed! Then there's the goats--Twinkle and Fran--Fran sweeter and more willing to be touch and just enjoying her simple life; Twinkle more belligerant demanding to have her own will!

My life is good. Good neighbors--good friends both inside and outside AA. Access to the internet expands my horizons.

Our sons have grown up but will always be our sons. How wonderful that they've forgiven us our sins against them in our addiction--or at least act as if they have! How wonderful that they still seem to love us! How incredible that they feel concern for us and our well being while still feeling able to trust us with their confidences.

The daughters-in-law: love me in spite of me--tolerate me--seem to appreciate my talents even as I learn from them. Forgiving me of my sins--or at least trying to!

Grandchilden: how sweet and special! Little girls to thrill me in my old age! For me to lavish all my girly ideas on! Benjamin--the challenge!--but he loves my cooking!

I am truly, truly blessed and am so thankful to have found this freedom in my later years. The freedom to love and be loved without condition! It was there all the time--so glad to have found it before it was too late!

In love and peace!

Carol