"The Truth Shall Set You Free!"

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately and trying to figure out the difference between how I feel now and how I felt a few weeks ago. Listening to the speaker tapes we bought from the convention--the two speakers I liked the most make some great points.

It's often said that alcoholics are selfish and self-centered. Until recently I figured that didn't apply to me. But more and more I see myself in that role.

On the one hand, we need to be selfish enough to take care of ourselves daily in mind, body and soul. That kind of selfishness is a matter of preservation. This kind of selfisness brings renewal and strength enough to help others. But when I'm sitting in a meeting waiting for the attention to focus on me so that I can dispense my "pearls of wisdom" which most people don't even take notice of--now that's the kind of selfishness that's referred to--selfish and self-centered. To think that I have anything at all to contribute to another's well-being is very self-centered.

But it's different when I feel it from the heart. That happened last night.

Earlier in the day, I'd walked and helped Dad worm the horses. Then I'd taken my shower and dressed. Normally, I would have just put on my jeans and gone about my day. But I notices something when we attended the convention that I thought was interesting--I'd dress up a bit and how much better I'd felt about myself. Maybe I miss just a little the office attire I put on for so many years and how good it felt to make sure I looked "professional" before I stepped outside. Since the rest of yesterday would be spent in two different meetings, I decided to dress up a bit and use some of the office clothes that had been just hanging in the closet for the last couple of years.

I felt magically transformed with an added self-confidence and realized I'd done some soul feeding in doing this simple task. At the first meeting, I spoke from the heart although not without some frustration as I realized my point was not hitting home and that we were on a sensitive subject. Nonethless, I knew I was not being self-centered but rather that my audience just was not quite "there" yet as so many of them are relatively new to AA.

Came home and rested--taking care of myself again and actually asked Dad for assistance in some task--taking care of myself again.

Made Dad his cookies--taking care of him because I took care of myself and went to another meeting. Even the cookies were special as I didn't just go through the motions--I actually tried to analyze some of what I was doing to produce a better cookie--with a good degree of success though far from perfection.

Went to my last meeting when Drake attended--I'm not his biggest fan for various reasons. But there were two people (Drake and Mike) who were obviously hurting and the group came together to help them in whatever way they could. Speaking from the heart Drake said one of the statements I made almost drove him to tears and Mike thanked me for my input. What I said doesn't matter--but speaking from my heart does.

But oh beware the pride!!!! How I've lived on those comments since then! (Selfish and self-centered!) I envision myself making wondrous speeches to crowds at AA conventions waiting to hear my pearls of wisdom!

This alcoholism thing truly is a disease of the mind, body and spirit. Our mind takes us to so many places we never should be! We definitely need to feed all three to stay whole!

Peace!

Carol

I Don't Want to Die With the Music Inside me!

Yesterday I had a Duh! moment. It happened at night but it was forming all day as I thrashed about trying to figure out what was happening to me and why I was having such a hard time dealing with my friend, Millie and handling the stress that surrounded me during the holidays.

I've started reading Dr. Wayne Dyer's "10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace" and he refers to Leo Tolstoy's character Ivan Ilyich who, on his deathbed said, "What if my whole life has been wrong?"

Remembering some tenant of Stephen Covey's and references to emotional bank accounts it's starting to make sense. And Jennifer helped too as we discussed how she had to fire and sweet young girl from her first job because advertently or inadvertently the girl had jeapordized the shop's integrity--something Jenn cannot afford to have happen. But Jenn has to take care of not only herself, but her business as well. And that applies to all of us. And right now, especially to me.

I haven't been taking care of myself. I haven't enforced my emotional boundaries. I haven't made enough deposits in my personal bank account recently and I allowed others to overdraw from it without protecting my balance.

By "handling" Millie I don't have to hurt her intentionally and I have to allow her to take care of herself--I can't take care of her or give her what she wants. Only she can do that--just as I could never "give" my mother what she thought she wanted--she (as we all do) need to find that from within. For me to try to give Millie what she thinks she wants means that I have to hurt myself and do something that is uncomfortable to me--I have to protect my balance just as she must protect hers. I cannot give her what she thinks she needs--especially not at the expense of depleting stores. We can only take care of ourselves--that comes from within. And somehow, some way, Millie must do the same thing and no matter what I give her--without it coming from within herself--it will never be what she truly wants.

Now I must take care of myself--that's really what AA is all about--learning how to feed our souls and restoring that inner peace and tranquility that is there for the taking if we can only find our way to it.

I already feel lighter, happier, and more confident. Perhaps that's the lesson (so painful these last few months) that was out there for me to learn. No one can give this to me. I must search for it myself and make it a priority to fill my bank account to overflowing to allow me to give some of it away!

Peace!

Carol

Feeling Better

Feeling better today. Tried to stay away from sugar--think that's the culprit behind my down periods.

Got the new rice cooker today. Looks great and hope to get it going soon.

Not much to report. Making a bean soup right now and made some garlic parmesan rolls earlier with yeast!

Be well!

Peace!

Carol

How Many Times Do We Keep Trying?

Having a rough time keeping New Year's resolutions and not sure why. How many times do we start over? And failure brings sorrow and self-abuse.

Maybe I need to get away from things.

I'll keep trying but it is discouraging not to see any change immediately.

Peace!

Carol

Trying to Catch Up!

The picture is of the glorious forsythia bush we finally managed to get to survive up North. Can't grow them down here but there are lots of other pretty colors here so I'll have to get busy and take some new pictures!

This will be a busy week end for us as we host an Al-Anon couple for the SETA convention here. She is a speaker Sat. afternoon but we will meet them tonight, take them to their room and then have dinner with them while we introduce them tonight to other speakers. We're looking forward to it.

Finally getting some much-needed rain and it is cold here--36 degrees. But up in the Chicago area it's only 9 so not complaining. Perspective is everything!

Have made some little progress in cleaning up and throwing out but need to get going on my room and that is a major project to begin next week. But there are more meetings ahead in reference to AA and that might delay things. Still, I need to get going.

Bowled fairly well yesterday and our team was rewarded with a sweep! Felt good!

Hate to let the dogs in with their muddy feet but looks like it's time for them to eat!

Peace!

Carol

Irony

Ironically, the friend I wrote about called me yesterday (after I'd sent the letter! but before she got it). I guess we're ok. She kinda cajoled me out of a bad mood, interestingly.

I think the chocolate and it's effects is gradually leaving my body and I'm slowly beginning to feel a bit better and a bit more ambitious. We'll see how the day goes.

Good to talk with the girls and Megumi yesterday. I love Iris's new twist on the word "gramma"!--Grrrramma! She is so special!

Got more roses pruned and dad moved two bushes that we hope will flourish with more sun as they climb their way over the arch to the garden. We've finally gotten some rain--not enough but a bit to get things started. We need a couple inches more but this should make pulling weeds a bit better.

Today I will run the vacuum now that the new belt is installed and cook. I think I'll feel better then!

Peace!

Carol

How do you hurt a friend?

How do you hurt--or not hurt--a truly good friend? One who loves you beyond all measure--or perhaps thinks she loves you no matter what--or is there something in your personal self she would not love if she knew the truth about you?

I really don't know. This friend of mine would smother me with her love and tries to. And I don't appreciate that. I resent it. I feel stifled by it. Yet, I do have feelings for her. I admire her work and her ethics--even if they're a bit too strong for me.

What do you say to someone who drives you crazy with her affection? What's wrong with me that I don't appreciate such feelings?

A good friend visited us recently and I did not appreciate her. The timing was bad and the visit too long. She wanted to help me but I didn't want her help. There were things I wanted to accomplish without her help. She didn't understand this. How do you explain privacy and ownership to someone? How do you tell someone to back off? That their intentions, as good as they are, are not appreciated?

And then, do I do the same thing? Do I try to do too much for people? Do I, in turn, turn off others by doing the same things she does?

How do we know what's appreciated and what's not? There are so many gifts I have to give and so few people who truly appreciate what I have to offer---this has been the pattern in my life and, it would seem, the pattern in my friend's as well. How does one find this balance? To give where it's appreciated; to hold back when it's not or even to know what specific thing is appreciated and what's not?

Some times I think it boils down to when to say "no" and when to say "yes". It's hard for me to say "no". I don't like hurting people and I want to be all things to all people. I want everyone to love me--not like--but love. Yet, I find that often when they do I don't always appreciate it--but some times I do! When do I appreciate it and when do they appreciate it?!

Difficult. Difficult. Difficult.

These are ramblings. But I'm glad I put it down on electronic paper!

Peace!

Carol

Trying to Gently Awaken

The beginning of this new year has been hard on me and I've been trying to analyze the reasons, although I suppose in the long run, it really doesn't matter.

Of course, as always, I did too much over the holidays and that was complicated by long visits by two separate entities which cut into my usual holiday preparations. Sure, they helped around the house and tried to make minimal demands on my time, but overall, they were here and their being here hampered my ability to do things at my own pace. On the other hand, it did help me set deadlines and in some cases, I actually got more done in a more timely manner than I would have without these interruptions.

So what is the problem, really? The more I think about it, the more I think the problem is SUGAR!!! Being an alcoholic, I once relied on alcohol to drown out my sorrows and give me the comfort I felt I needed when I was stressed. Of course, the stress never went away, but I did find oblivion for a brief period of time. Gentle oblivion which I paid for dearly with relentless hangovers which caused me to seek more comfort; i.e., alcohol which would once again send me into oblivion which would, etc., etc., etc.

Well, I no longer drink and so my "solace" is gone but, of course, where there's a void, something else is going to creep in to fill it and the holidays offer many opportunities to fill that void with things that are not normally eaten on a regular basis--especially sugary things. And being the true alcoholic, one (cookie, pc. of candy, whatever) is too much and too much is never enough. It is beyond me to have one pc. of chocolate--I must have the entire bar or bag!

And, I've suffered for it mightily, not only in pounds gained but in attitude lost not to mention physical problems that begin to attend such binges including the headaches and general malaise heretofore attributed to hangovers!

So, what to do? I suppose the reason is obvious yet I truly do not want to face it any more than I wanted to face giving up those wonderful alcoholic beverages. But truth be told, I'm beginning to see that to remain healthy and in the best interests of myself and those I hold dear, sugar in the form of anything extra must be viewed by me in the same light as alcohol. How sad! How much I will miss it! It has been such a wonderful friend and comfort to me over the years! I do not want to do this!

But yet, I feel I must if I'm to live the kind of life I want to live.

Dear readers, please wish me well on this new path devoid of sweets. And encourage me not to stray even at the sweet upcoming holidays rich with temptations. There must be other addictions that are healthier if not tastier and I will try to find them to integrate them into my lifestyle.

Peace!

Carol

Continuing On

After placing the very ugly meringue on top of the pie mixture, it had to bake for 30 min. -- now we're looking at 5 o-clock--it still had to cool before serving time less than 2 hrs. later!

Meanwhile, back to the meat mixture which was to be cooking for 45 min. Oh well, I could start on the cheese mixture--eggs, ricotta--not enough of that! so add in some cottage cheese! Oh yes, and an extra egg for good measure! Oops--need to cook the noodles! Thankfully, that doesn't take long and the meat mixture is finally done--in time for me to take the pie out of the oven--it's 5:30 now! and let it cool--no way it's gonna be cool enough and "set" enough by serving time so--nearly straight from the oven into the freezer!!!!! Makes the freezer more efficient you know!

Now to construct the lasagna--layer of noodles, layer of cheese mix., layer of meat mixture, top with mozzarella and repeat--but I don't like the way the layers look! why do they end with the meat mixture on top?! So I add another topping of cheese and put it in the oven. I'm exhausted! Have to sit down for a minutes and still have to get his gift together!

Luckily, my husband, has been very helpful in getting the table ready and it really looks nice complete with a fresh tablecloth! Wow!

A quick 10 min. break--got the gift together!--check on the pie still melting things in the freezer!--and start wondering about an appetizer--why didn't I pick up some avocados?! Oh well, imitation crab bits to the rescue--of course, no cocktail sauce--have to make one up quickly!

And then the guests arrive--Jenn, Benjamin and Jeff! Jeff looks spiffy in the new shirt and tie Jenn gave him for Christmas and is now clean-shaven after relieving himself of the beard he tried to grow over the holiday break. Does he look 39? Hadn't thought about it until now and I'd have to say no. He looks shiny! And like he feels good! Perhaps a touch of gray but that's hardly noticeable after a fresh haircut he'd treated himself to that day. His hair has gotten so dark! Not the blond boy I brought home from the hospital on a snowy January day!

Speaking of snowy January day--lasagna was always a good choice in Illinois when the temps could easily be in the teens or near 0 at this time of year--not so good to have the oven on when it's near 80 outside! But finally, everything was ready after Jeff opened his (approved of!) gifts.

I was a little nervous about the pie--but let it continue to sit in the freezer--as it turned out--another mistake. When I showed the browned barely-there and clumpy meringue to Jennifer she comfortingly told me that it will all ultimately look the same once it's in our tummies! Bless her!

Ok--the lasagna wasn't so bad--but I did taste the freezer burn--never do that again! And the pie? Well, of course, it had gone from being too hot to being partially frozen and quickly beginning to melt as it barely held up the candles put on it while we sang the traditional birthday song! But I must admit, it did taste good and our guests were happy to take leftovers home!

Lessons that should have been learned years ago? Don't rush and prepare ahead! Much of this could have been avoided if I'd started earlier--even the day before! Even at my age, I still forget perspective!

Meanwhile, on to other projects! Some deep down straightening with a goal to rid our possessions by 10% or more by the end of the year! The living room has been gone through and today I'll hit the back entry way/laundry room. The incentive of a group garage sale at the end of the month is helpful.

And then there's committee work and the SETA convention for which were hosting a couple that will completely involve the week end of the 18th-20th.

Oh--and there's a baby to be born and a couple of birthdays coming up.

BTW--we did end Jan. 7 with a call to Aunt Ruth in Indiana whose birthday is the same date--72 min. later we determined she is fine and as strong as can be for one in her mid-80s. Thanks again to Dad who was able to talk at length with her so I could doze for a bit!

Peace!

Carol

Gentle Readers

Yesterday was interesting, if not challenging.

It was our first born's 39th birthday and I wanted everything to be just right. That means--clean house, perfect meal (lasagna, garlic bread, salad, key lime pie--perhaps an appetizer) and clean me! Well--the best laid plans..........you know the rest!

I did manage to clean the upholstery on the kitchen chairs--but they don't look like it! I know their clean by the amount of cat hair I scrubbed off of them but no matter the method I used, the stains remain. Since Jeff often comes here in dark suits--to be sure he remained somewhat intact I still covered the chairs with clean towels.

Vacuumed the best I could with a cleaner whose belt is broken--ah, well, at least it has good suction power!

Ran out of time. Had to go to a meeting and then pick up some last minute things from the store. Didn't get home until 3PM. Grabbed something quick to eat before starting on the key lime pie. Now where was that cornstarch!!! A 15 minute search finally netted the ingredient but it took forever to boil the stuff and there were other ingredients either not handy or not thought of! Meanwhile it had to cool--so on to making the merenge. The pie still had not cooled enough to top with the topping even after sitting in the freezer for a few minutes so on to the lasagna.

Luckily I'd purchased some ground beef a day or so before but the recipe called for sausage too so I (against my better judgment) pulled out an old packet of ground sausage to add to the mix. Now I have enough ingredients to make two lasagnas!

While the meat is browning, I decide the pie mixture is finally almost cool enough to top with the merenge. Big mistake! Somehow, the once beautiful topping had begun to separate and would not prettily sit on top of the pie mixture. No fluffy pillows of merengue! More like clumps!

To be continued!

A New Year Rant

I love this time of year because it offers new beginnings. It's not that we can't start something new at any time of the year, but it seems most appropriate now or on birthdays.

There is so much I need to learn--not the least of which is how to say "no". Someone recently told me, "just because I say 'no', doesn't mean I don't love you!". I need to keep that in mind when something comes up which I "know" is not good for me.

Case in point: we had visitors (3 including my friend's 93 yr. old mother) the first week in November. The timing was bad for me but I couldn't say "no"--didn't want to hurt her feelings and as it turned out, I did anyway because I so much resented the visit and ultimately she picked up on that. Now, in retrospect, she never asked if the timing was good--she just made the assumption especially since she was doing something else in the area. And, actually, if she'd just dropped by, it wouldn't have been so bad--but they stayed for 10 days!

Approx. 3 weeks later, my brother came for a 10 day visit--leaving just 4 days before Christmas. I loved seeing him and in both cases, both visitors were extremely productive here and worked very hard helping us out in many ways. But Christmas is a very busy time for me and there were a lot of things I wanted to do. One or the other of the visits might have been ok. But the two of them together just about did me in!

My daughter-in-law--sweet as she is--always seems to want our visits to be longer than they have been in the past. So, against my better judgment (should have said "no" again!) I extended this latest visit to longer than I should have and it was a mistake. The problem with people you only see once or twice a year is that there is a tendency to try to cram 6 mos. of living into a few days and it just doesn't work. It's no longer a visit--it's living together. And living together with people you only see once every 6 mos. it not always easy and there are bound to be conflicts if the lines of communication aren't clear.

Once words are said, they can't be caught back. I surely wish there was an edit button on my mouth! But given the circumstances and the stresses I was under previously, I guess it's no wonder I wasn't more cautious. Keeping one's mouth shut for 10 days is extremely difficult!

But there surely were good times as well like seeing the ferries in Seattle while eating lunch (just like in Grey's Anatomy!) and hugs and tickle times with our beautiful granddaughters--we now can only play those tapes over and over in our minds. I will never forget how little Iris - not quite 3 yrs. old--brought my hand to her lips as we approached the airport and bestowed a gentle kiss!

Today, we put away Christmas! Slowly I'm disposing of things. Not as much as I'd like, but as much as I can and even if it's only 1%/yr. it better than nothing. Now for the rest of the house! If only I can give or throw away 10% of what's in this house, it will make my life easier!

Tomorrow is my oldest son's 39th birthday! How grateful I am to be alive for this! I get to make him lasagna and a key lime pie! His wife and son will get him a chocolate chip cookie cake! And I want to have the living room and kitchen cleaned up so we can all relax together!

My younger son said that perhaps cooking is my zazen--if that's so--I'll be in my element tomorrow!

Be well and happy!

Peace!

Carol

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE PACIFIC NW

Haven't been posting much lately because we've been visiting our son and his family in the Pacific NW and I hate typing on this tiny computer. But it is the new year-we celebrated several times last night as it fell into different time zones--and the need for renewal is present.

Everyone is still sleeping at this point so I have a few moments alone. I love this time of year--it brings me new hope and anticipation. Always a good opportunity to turn over a new personal leaf--the drawing of a line in the sand that says this is where the good habits start and the bad habits end. Of course, this can be done on any particular day during any time of a year but it seems more poignant for this, the beginning of my 65th year of life on this planet.

We have two more days here to collect enough hugs and kisses from our precious granddaughters to last until the next time we see them. But, there's never enough and my heart is already bracing for the separation. What a joy are these two tiny miracles!

I've been doing a lot of cooking while I've been here. 1: Cooking seems to be what I do; 2: it seems to be appreciated. Is there anything on earth more satisfying than feeding people and watching the expressions on their faces as they savor the flavors that cross their pallets? I love to do crafts but the most productive and life-changing ones are definitely the most rewarding. Sewing a dress or beading a new bracelet or earrings is fun, but satisfying a hunger with the addition of unexpected but wonderful flavors is beyond satisfaction to the creator.

Their kitchen is terrible! But I've found satisfaction in making it work for me somehow. Even produced unburned cookies this time--albeit on newly purchased cookie sheets! And producing enough for them to store in their freezer allows me to leave a few memories behind (how selfish and vain of me!)

New Year's resolutions are the usual and I will have time to reflect on them on the long ride back home on Thursday. I've missed my animals and my home but not so much that I haven't enjoyed the moments here. I believe Jordan is responsible for this--I think since reading his blog, I've learned to enjoy the moment more. Thanks, Jordan. Perhaps it is possible to teach old dogs new tricks!

I hear a morning cough and know there will soon be activity in the house as the inhabitants begin to awake to the first day of the new year--although they ushered it in but a few short hours ago! The stove awaits me!

Peace!

Carol