I Don't Want to Die With the Music Inside me!

Yesterday I had a Duh! moment. It happened at night but it was forming all day as I thrashed about trying to figure out what was happening to me and why I was having such a hard time dealing with my friend, Millie and handling the stress that surrounded me during the holidays.

I've started reading Dr. Wayne Dyer's "10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace" and he refers to Leo Tolstoy's character Ivan Ilyich who, on his deathbed said, "What if my whole life has been wrong?"

Remembering some tenant of Stephen Covey's and references to emotional bank accounts it's starting to make sense. And Jennifer helped too as we discussed how she had to fire and sweet young girl from her first job because advertently or inadvertently the girl had jeapordized the shop's integrity--something Jenn cannot afford to have happen. But Jenn has to take care of not only herself, but her business as well. And that applies to all of us. And right now, especially to me.

I haven't been taking care of myself. I haven't enforced my emotional boundaries. I haven't made enough deposits in my personal bank account recently and I allowed others to overdraw from it without protecting my balance.

By "handling" Millie I don't have to hurt her intentionally and I have to allow her to take care of herself--I can't take care of her or give her what she wants. Only she can do that--just as I could never "give" my mother what she thought she wanted--she (as we all do) need to find that from within. For me to try to give Millie what she thinks she wants means that I have to hurt myself and do something that is uncomfortable to me--I have to protect my balance just as she must protect hers. I cannot give her what she thinks she needs--especially not at the expense of depleting stores. We can only take care of ourselves--that comes from within. And somehow, some way, Millie must do the same thing and no matter what I give her--without it coming from within herself--it will never be what she truly wants.

Now I must take care of myself--that's really what AA is all about--learning how to feed our souls and restoring that inner peace and tranquility that is there for the taking if we can only find our way to it.

I already feel lighter, happier, and more confident. Perhaps that's the lesson (so painful these last few months) that was out there for me to learn. No one can give this to me. I must search for it myself and make it a priority to fill my bank account to overflowing to allow me to give some of it away!

Peace!

Carol