"The Truth Shall Set You Free!"

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately and trying to figure out the difference between how I feel now and how I felt a few weeks ago. Listening to the speaker tapes we bought from the convention--the two speakers I liked the most make some great points.

It's often said that alcoholics are selfish and self-centered. Until recently I figured that didn't apply to me. But more and more I see myself in that role.

On the one hand, we need to be selfish enough to take care of ourselves daily in mind, body and soul. That kind of selfishness is a matter of preservation. This kind of selfisness brings renewal and strength enough to help others. But when I'm sitting in a meeting waiting for the attention to focus on me so that I can dispense my "pearls of wisdom" which most people don't even take notice of--now that's the kind of selfishness that's referred to--selfish and self-centered. To think that I have anything at all to contribute to another's well-being is very self-centered.

But it's different when I feel it from the heart. That happened last night.

Earlier in the day, I'd walked and helped Dad worm the horses. Then I'd taken my shower and dressed. Normally, I would have just put on my jeans and gone about my day. But I notices something when we attended the convention that I thought was interesting--I'd dress up a bit and how much better I'd felt about myself. Maybe I miss just a little the office attire I put on for so many years and how good it felt to make sure I looked "professional" before I stepped outside. Since the rest of yesterday would be spent in two different meetings, I decided to dress up a bit and use some of the office clothes that had been just hanging in the closet for the last couple of years.

I felt magically transformed with an added self-confidence and realized I'd done some soul feeding in doing this simple task. At the first meeting, I spoke from the heart although not without some frustration as I realized my point was not hitting home and that we were on a sensitive subject. Nonethless, I knew I was not being self-centered but rather that my audience just was not quite "there" yet as so many of them are relatively new to AA.

Came home and rested--taking care of myself again and actually asked Dad for assistance in some task--taking care of myself again.

Made Dad his cookies--taking care of him because I took care of myself and went to another meeting. Even the cookies were special as I didn't just go through the motions--I actually tried to analyze some of what I was doing to produce a better cookie--with a good degree of success though far from perfection.

Went to my last meeting when Drake attended--I'm not his biggest fan for various reasons. But there were two people (Drake and Mike) who were obviously hurting and the group came together to help them in whatever way they could. Speaking from the heart Drake said one of the statements I made almost drove him to tears and Mike thanked me for my input. What I said doesn't matter--but speaking from my heart does.

But oh beware the pride!!!! How I've lived on those comments since then! (Selfish and self-centered!) I envision myself making wondrous speeches to crowds at AA conventions waiting to hear my pearls of wisdom!

This alcoholism thing truly is a disease of the mind, body and spirit. Our mind takes us to so many places we never should be! We definitely need to feed all three to stay whole!

Peace!

Carol