How do you hurt--or not hurt--a truly good friend? One who loves you beyond all measure--or perhaps thinks she loves you no matter what--or is there something in your personal self she would not love if she knew the truth about you?
I really don't know. This friend of mine would smother me with her love and tries to. And I don't appreciate that. I resent it. I feel stifled by it. Yet, I do have feelings for her. I admire her work and her ethics--even if they're a bit too strong for me.
What do you say to someone who drives you crazy with her affection? What's wrong with me that I don't appreciate such feelings?
A good friend visited us recently and I did not appreciate her. The timing was bad and the visit too long. She wanted to help me but I didn't want her help. There were things I wanted to accomplish without her help. She didn't understand this. How do you explain privacy and ownership to someone? How do you tell someone to back off? That their intentions, as good as they are, are not appreciated?
And then, do I do the same thing? Do I try to do too much for people? Do I, in turn, turn off others by doing the same things she does?
How do we know what's appreciated and what's not? There are so many gifts I have to give and so few people who truly appreciate what I have to offer---this has been the pattern in my life and, it would seem, the pattern in my friend's as well. How does one find this balance? To give where it's appreciated; to hold back when it's not or even to know what specific thing is appreciated and what's not?
Some times I think it boils down to when to say "no" and when to say "yes". It's hard for me to say "no". I don't like hurting people and I want to be all things to all people. I want everyone to love me--not like--but love. Yet, I find that often when they do I don't always appreciate it--but some times I do! When do I appreciate it and when do they appreciate it?!
Difficult. Difficult. Difficult.
These are ramblings. But I'm glad I put it down on electronic paper!
Peace!
Carol
Saved by the Grace of God
1 year ago
1 comment:
Mom,
I guess it was your turn to write a really deep and insightful post.
You touched on a few different things that are really important.
One of the things that stands out to me that I think you may have begun to recognize is that of the “Mirror Principal.”
The more I have contemplated this the more true I find it to be. I have not really thought about it in a while though.
Basically, when someone or something really gets under our skin it is because there is a reflection of ourselves in there. When you see something that causes revulsion in you, it is a part of yourself you are not comfortable with. When you see something or someone you are attracted to, there is a part of you that you are comfortable with… there is a whole lot more than should go into that explanation but hey, I am at work!
I have gotten pretty crafty at avoiding saying no too. I offer a choice, most of the time the choice is pretty clear on what I would prefer, like; would you rather I go shopping with you, mope around and feel resentful of you and sorry for myself, or would you rather me stay home and try and fix the (insert broken household item here)? That usually sends a pretty clear and concise picture to whoever I am addressing even though I usually end up shopping and miserable sooner or later anyway, but at least I gave fair warning!
I think it is good to learn to be brutally honest with your self.
As to knowing how to know if something is appreciated or not, just ask. If the person dose not give you an honest answer it is their problem not yours. Avoid speculating whenever you can.
A lot of people love you. I doubt they can love you exactly the way you want them to love you, and to expect them to would be kind of silly. Everyone loves in their own way. And that is the only way it will ever be. Just like you love everyone else in your own way. I and I don’t and can not really expect differently from you.
Love,
Jordan
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