I just finished reading Megumi's blog. Strangely, although at times sad, it made me feel better. Perhaps because it gives me some insight into her feelings.
Speaking of feelings, I've noticed that Dad really is upset about Clara's death. This is interesting for a number of reasons but I've come to one conclusion that might explain it: Dad's not drinking now. Before he could drown out those feelings. Any feeling--good or bad--was to some degree painful for him so he showed no emotion and never admitted that anything could be his fault. He does not like to take responsibility for his actions--it's always someone else's fault. This has been a theme throughout our marriage and explains some of my own feelings towards him. Like giving up on his really caring about anything.
I've been reluctant to help him deal with these feelings because I enjoy seeing them for perhaps the first time! I'm very sorry they cause him pain, but seeing his true sorrow is new to me. Parental death did not phase him. Nothing phased him. Now he feels! I'm hoping this can lead to better feelings overall. And perhaps make him more aware of his surroundings.
It is still difficult for me to look at Jake--the chicken-killer! And his reaction to the neighbors' dog--immediate dislike. I need to find the balance in him between his goodness and evil. I know it will come but it is taking time.
More eating last night but more aware of it and think I'll be in more control tonight. Did not accomplish as much as I wanted yesterday. Difficult day in many ways that could have been brought about by humid weather. Probably should turn on the air but am reluctant when I know change is literally in the air (a cool front is coming in with a high of only 58 tomorrow). A friend may bring her grandson over to ride Sugar--hope that doesn't materialize but have to be prepared for it. I really don't have the time to spare.
Made progress but did not finish one pj. Hope to have time to do it today.
Want to make the pumpkin and carmel apple pies for tomorrow. Although there will only be Jeff and Jenn and maybe Benjamin, pumpkin is traditional and Jeff requested the apple. The 20# bird will go far and we'll have lots of left-overs.
Still recovering from Millie's visit and am beginning to question my feelings. She feels (or at least felt) so close to me and I tried to push her away. Some times that happens with Dad too. Makes me wonder if I have a problem with anyone getting too close to me? How close is too close? I know I like a lot of personal space but feel lonely if I get too much of it. Very complicated. Something to explore.
Gotta run. Want to sew in sleeves before we walk!
Peace!
Carol
Saved by the Grace of God
1 year ago
2 comments:
I am glad you finally got into Megumi’s blog. I find it sad as well. I am really doubtful my efforts will do anything to change that. But I do not think I will ever stop trying. Change has to come from inside.
I have little doubt that you are correct about Dad and feelings. I have been the same way. I had to run away from anything that could touch me. I wonder if Dad was as empathetic as a boy as I was. There was a time I remember when I could feel everything. I knew what other people wanted without them saying it. I knew how they felt or at least how they were feeling. I could not handle it; it is so frightening because everyone seemed to be so full of anger. I had to run away and put up a wall. Alcohol was a great facilitator in building that wall and running away from anything that could touch me. Being hard like a wall seemed cool, and I remained that way for much of my teens up until about 2 years ago.
I still want to run away sometimes. Not through alcohol though. But I do sometimes fantasize about being a hermit.
Jake is a good dog and he is acting true to his nature. Killing chickens and wanting to establish dominance over another male is what he has got to do. I am not sure if it would be a good idea to try and deprogram those instincts.
I do not think it is a question of Jake being good or evil any more than a caramel apple pie can be good or evil.
I think that your not wanting people to get too close to you is pretty common and OK. Anyone who has ever been emotionally hurt by someone before will naturally want to protect themselves from that. Meditation should help you in figuring all this stuff out and dealing with it, sometimes it is a pretty rough process though. If I can help in any way I will. If I can’t I’ll ask for help myself.
Love you
Jordan
What a kind and loving spirit you are, Jordan! I cannot believe you understand me so well!
Thank you so much for your insight and for your kind words!
Love,
Mom
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